


Pearl

by emerald_mouse



Category: Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: Asexual Carol Danvers, Asexuality, F/F, Songfic, ace!carol danvers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28993629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emerald_mouse/pseuds/emerald_mouse
Summary: heres a gay little fic based around the mitski song pearl
Relationships: Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

( You're growing tired of me  
You love me so hard and I still can't sleep  
You're growing tired of me  
And all the things I don't talk about )

Lying in her friend's bed she couldn’t sleep, the warmth and the comfort of it wasn’t something she was used to. It wasn’t something she knew how to deal with. The warmth of it.   
The warmth wasn’t something she thought she’d need. Yet she didn’t know if she’d be able to go on without. She wasn’t sure how she survived without it in the past.  
Maria was asleep, her breathing was steady and still. It was calming and a comfort to listen to the sound of her breath, but still she could not rest. She was safe here with her in a way she couldn’t believe.   
She closed her eyes and tried again to sleep. She listened to her breath and enjoyed the warmth of the body next to hers. She tried so desperately to sleep.

“I love you Carol,” was one of the last things Maria had said before she fell asleep. The words played on repeat and she tried to figure out what she really did mean. She didn’t mean I love in the same way Carol loved her, she couldn’t have meant it like that. Even if she did Carol still didn’t know what to do with that kind of love and what that would mean.   
Soon she’ll grow tired of me and I’ll be alone again. Carol wasn’t sure what she’d do then. It was hard to trust she’d love me so much. So she’ll make herself so useful Maria will never want me to leave.  
And for a moment she tried to believe Maria loved her, to let herself hope.  
-  
She quietly snuck out of bed at dawn while Maria still slept. And made her way to the kitchen to make breakfast. She was good at making apple pancakes so she checked to see if the ingredients were there. She had the recipe memorized from her mom's old handwritten cookbook. She brought the book with her when she left home.   
She made sure to clean up the mess she made as she went along. Leaving a sink full of dishes would negate the whole point of making breakfast. She tried her best to be quiet so she would wake Maria.  
She wasn’t sure what to do when she was done making breakfast. Should she wait till Maria was awake or should she wake her up. She decided to wake her up, the food wouldn’t be as good cold.   
She walked back to Maria’s room and saw her sitting up but clearly not awake. Maria always took a while to wake up fully. She didn’t seem to fully notice Carol right away, she looked beautiful in the golden light of early morning.  
“I made breakfast.” Carol said, she waited for Maria to process the words, her brain still groggy from sleep.  
“Ah so that’s where you were.” Maria said, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, “What’d you make?”  
“Pancakes, come on their ready and waiting in the kitchen.” Carol said. They walked to the table to eat, Maria was slow and still blinking the sleep from her eyes.

“This is really good.” Maria said, threw a mouthful of food.  
“Thanks, it’s my mother’s recipe.” Carol said without thinking.   
Carol didn’t really talk much about her past. About her family, her life before she turned 18 and joined the Air Force. Maria had been her friend long enough to know not to ask about it.   
“Oh,” Maria said, “Did you cook together a lot?”  
Carol was quiet, sure she was the one who brought it up but still. Maybe Maria had grown tired of her not talking about her past much. She said quietly, “Sometimes yeah.”

_____________________

( Sorry I don't want your touch  
It's not that I don't want you  
Sorry I can't take your touch )

She didn’t know what to do when Maria kissed her for the first time. She froze there stiff and still for a moment. Maria noticed right away and the look on her face hurt. The look of confusion, fear, and sadness.  
Carol forced her body to move, she grabbed Maria’s hand and hoped she wouldn’t try to leave.  
“I’ve never really done that before.” Carol said quietly. It was all she could think to say, she wasn’t sure what to say next or what to do. It was her first real kiss that was true and she didn’t know what to do.  
“Sorry I thought… Did you want me to kiss you?” Maria said, “I thought you wanted me to, I wanted to.”  
“I… yeah I was just surprised, I’ve never done… I’ve never kissed anyone before. I didn’t think you wanted to.” Carol paused a moment before continuing. “I didn’t know you wanted to kiss me.”  
“Oh course I do, I love you” Maria laughed, Carol could be so thick headed sometimes. “Do you want to try again?”  
“Yeah.” Carol said.

-

It took a while to get used to the kissing, she liked it. Well, most of the time she liked it but sometimes she didn’t like the feeling of Maria’s tongue in her mouth, or how handsy she sometimes got when they kissed. They hadn’t had sex yet but she knew it was only a matter of time till they did.   
Most of the time she liked Maria’s touch, she initiated a lot of the touches when they weren’t kissing. She initiated a lot of kisses to just not the kisses with tongue. She liked the feeling of Maria’s skin on her skin. She loved when Maria would run her fingers through her hair, or when she lay her head on Maria’s chest and listen to her heart beat.  
She didn’t really have the words to describe it. She loved Maria she was in love with her but she didn’t want to have sex with her. She knew it was part of a romantic relationship, she wanted to want to but she had no desire for sex.

Eventually they talked about it, Maria brought it up.  
“We don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, I’m happy with what we have.” Maria said softly.  
“I... I’m sorry.” Carol started before Maria interrupted her.  
“Don’t be sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong, and I don’t want to do anything you're uncomfortable with. You don’t need to sleep with me to prove you love me I already know you do.” Maria said.


	2. Chapter 2

( It's just that I fell in love with a war  
Nobody told me it ended  
And it left a pearl in my hand  
And I roll it around  
Every night, just to watch it glow  
Every night, baby, that's where I go )

Carol couldn’t remember a time where she didn’t have to fight for what she wanted and what was hers. She still had to even now fight for her right to fly, her right to be there. But she wasn’t alone now in that fight Maria was with her and Lawson had a soft spot for them both.  
She didn’t need to fight in her personal life to get what she wanted, she already had everything she wanted. She should have known it was too good to be true, to good to last. At least she died a hero, with dignity and agency fighting for what was right.

-

Vers didn’t remember her past beyond waking up at Hala. No matter how hard she tried or how much time passed she couldn’t remember who she used to be. She fought the war against the Skrull’s and she liked fighting it felt right. It felt familiar, like it was something she was made to do. Beside the Kree said this war was important, Yon-Rogg said it was noble and he had saved her life.  
At night she would think about her past, hopping to remember something concrete. Trying to focus the glimpse she had, and long for more. Longing for someone. Each night she’d fall asleep and dream of the past but forget it all when she woke up being left with confusing feelings, she had no context for.  
She would tell Yon-Rogg about her dreams, but he said to ignore them and leave behind her past. They would spare and she would forget about the strange feelings her dreams left her with.

-

Something about this planet seemed familiar and she couldn’t let it go she had to find her answers. And when she found out she was fighting one wrong side of the war she couldn’t just let the war go.

_____________________

( Sorry I don't want your touch  
It's not that I don't want you  
Sorry I can't take your touch )

She didn’t remember all of her past as Carol Danvers. But she was starting to remember it. She remembers Maria and her daughter Monica. She wasn’t really the person they remember anymore she was someone new. Slowly though who she was and who she thought she was started to mix into who she was now.  
She didn’t mean to disappoint them, when she wasn’t as affectionate as she used to be. She was still getting used to it all. Kree weren’t exactly an affectionate race of aliens, the closest contact she was used to was fighting.  
Slowly she started to remember more and grow used to touch. She had gotten good at hugging again but kissing still seemed too much.   
She’d ruffle Monica’s hair and pick her up and fly her around. She would tuck Monica into bed despite her insisting she was too old to be tucked in and too old for her bedtime. She knew Monica liked being tucked despite her protests.  
She’d hold Maria’s hand and sleep next to her in bed. She remembers kissing her and she wants to try. She wants what she had before, she just is not there yet.  
_____________________

( There's a hole that you fill  
You fill, you fill )

Being around Maria made her feel complete, made her feel whole. Every moment they were apart it felt as if she was missing something. She knew what she was doing was important and she was glad to do it. Happy to make amends and be able to help people. She liked to fight, to protect others and save lives.   
Stopping a war wasn’t easy but it was her duty. Still she missed Maria every moment they were apart. She missed Monica as well, her little family it was where she belonged and where she felt most connected to who she was.   
She missed them and every time she left it felt as if she left part of herself behind. 

_____________________

( But it's just that I fell in love with a war  
And nobody told me it ended  
And it left a pearl in my hand  
And I roll it around  
Every night, just to watch it glow  
Every night, baby, that's where I go  
Just to watch it glow )

She was back home. She had gotten lucky and had managed to get things sorted to the point where she had a whole month she could spend at home. She loved being back, Carol watched Monica play soccer. She was so proud of her, Monica was captain of her team. She made pancakes for her family and they cooked meals together using recipes out of her mom’s old cook book. She tried her best to make up for the time she was away.   
Her mind kept wandering back space, she knew they were safe for now and they would contact her if something happened. She tried not to think about it, she tried her best to present and only focus on her family. But at night her mind lingers on what could happen while she was away and what could go wrong. It didn’t seem right to leave a war just so she could enjoy some time with her family.  
It felt wrong to be so relaxed but she couldn’t help but relax around family. To enjoy sleeping in bed next to Maria, to tuck Monica into bed. To feel the warmth of her family.  
_____________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any comments or critics are appreciated

**Author's Note:**

> any comments or critics are appreciated


End file.
